Cigarettes and ashtrays. “I thought you didn’t smoke.”

“I didn’t while we were together.”

Sedated and seduced by pain meds, she sits in my bed and tries not to feel. The pain has become a physical manifestation of what has buried itself inside, alive… bruising, bleeding, binding.

“I want you to feel again!”

I scream words untouched as she calls back in words tinged with blood, “Once you begin to see me as we, I can return. You have disowned me. You call me she, her, but I am you! You are me. Accept me, take me back and let yourself feel again, or here I will stand on the perimeter of your existence.”

1) Commit to plans. Spontaneity is a beautiful thing, but not always the better route. I won’t get anywhere if I don’t have a goal.

2) Set healthy boundaries with myself (and with others).

3) Do everything in moderation…

Happy New Year!

Coming closer to the truth with every breath, every day, every hour. My feelings are valid and in trusting that I can begin to trust myself.

How do I begin to blog? This is the first blog I have ever written. It has always been intimidating, the idea of an online journal. Journals are very personal to me. How do I begin to write a journal entry that can be viewed by anyone? I’ll start by telling you a story…

Last week I had a sudden urge to go walking on a specific trail called the Heritage Trail. I had walked for quite some time and just when I thought about turning around I saw a long, black snake in the middle of the trail. I immediately turned around and started walking in the opposite direction. The snake hadn’t moved. I looked back a number of times to see if it was moving. It wasn’t. It was very dead. I was still freaked out and continued to walk. Fast. It wasn’t long before I saw another snake right in front of me. This one was little and brown. I screamed and the snake seemed to imitate my reaction as it looked up at me, jerked back and slithered away. I walked faster.

As I had more time to think I remembered that two days before, a friend of mine told me that she had seen three snakes while she was walking. Granted it is the season for snakes, but I found it interesting that she brought up the idea of spirit animals in reference to what she had seen. I had always believed that my spirit animal was an owl because I have seen owls repeatedly and at key points in my life. She explained that one’s spirit animal can change depending on that person’s present phase of life.

I went home and read about the snake. A symbol of death and rebirth. Hmm… First I saw an older, dead snake and immediately after I saw a young, alive one. When a snake sheds it skin it’s eyes cloud over as if it is dying or going in between life and death. Once the skin has fallen off, the snake’s eyes clear up as if it is seeing the world through a new set of eyes.

That’s where I’m at right now. A lot of changes happening so quickly. Shedding my old skin. Breaking free from self-destructive habits that take away from who I really am. What we see around us is often a representation of our current being and life lessons. I must not fear what I see, but accept it for what it is.